All Joy and Basic Human Function Has Been Removed From My Life
I don't even feel like a person anymore, just a broken body that's being forced to stay alive. Not able to escape the symptoms at any point during the day or night just continuous torture. I'm almost 5 months out from my last lions mane dose and for the first 2 months seemed to be recovering, the past 3 months have been just a continual worsening. Sleep quality was improving but then started declining to where i couldnt function anymore so Ive been on lunesta for the past month. It only puts me out for 4/5 hrs max and it is not restorative sleep but without it I either don't sleep at all or wake up every hour with disturbingly vivid dreams and heart racing. Heart is uncomfortably racing at all times but increases while Im "sleeping". I have intense pressure in my skull and sometimes feels like my brain is like vibrating. I'm extremely dehydrated all the time, my skin, hair, mouth and eyes are desert dry my whole body just feels dried out. Constant nerve tingling in my lower body and sometimes hands. I was about 115 lbs before this all started, now I am 85 lbs and don't want to go out in public anymore or let any of my friends/family see me as I look disturbingly sick. All the muscle just melted off my body and I believe I have bone loss as well. My digestive system feels like it has completely shut down, I don't have bowel movements at all if I don't use a laxative and I can feel food just sitting in my stomach for hours after I try to eat. When I do eat sometimes it intensifies the head pressure and nerve tingling. I was trying to eat more clean and healthy for awhile but didn't really notice any difference when I did that. I have been doing a liquid diet for the past week to try to ease strain on my stomach but am not able to consume enough calories and am still losing 1-2 lbs every day. I'll probably have to be admitted to the hospital in a few more weeks to receive tube or IV feeding to stop the weight loss. I just don't know what to do anymore and feel like I've basically already died I'm just waiting and wishing for my body give out and just let me go. I don't have the physical or mental energy to push through this anymore. Every resource/comfort I would have used to help get me through has been taken away, sleep, eating, exercise, socializing I can't do any of it anymore. I just keep hoping I die in my sleep but jokes on me, you need to be able to sleep to do that.